The End...or the Beginning?

          Wow! The month of March is gone already! Where does the time go? It is crazy to think that only a month ago I was beginning this project, unsure of what I wanted to accomplish.  To say I accomplished my goal 100% would be a lie.  I was not able to take 1 hour a day every single day (especially at the beginning).  It is interesting how easy and routine it became at the end of the month.  I either woke up an hour earlier or made a plan with a friend/family member.  I started this project with the idea of mental health in mind and was unsure of what I was going to do.  As time went on, I discovered so many new things about my life.  I gained a new appreciation for my parents and ALL their hard work and I learned I don’t always have to do what my friends want to do.  I learned it is okay to take time every day to be totally and completely alone and I learned that although important, school isn’t everything.  I may not have taken 1 hour a day for 31 days but near the end, I was in a routine where I was thinking of myself and making sure I took that hour because after those 60 minutes, I felt better.  It’s difficult to explain because I don’t think my personality changed, others probably didn’t know the difference but I did. Most of all, I gained an appreciation, one I didn’t have before for not only my friends and family but my whole life.  Like Neil Pasricha explains in The Book of Awesome, there are so many wonderful things in our life that go unnoticed.  People don’t take the time to think about how lucky we are JUST to be alive.  We are the only species in the world who are this developed and for that we should be grateful.  Taking one hour to do exactly what I wanted allowed me to realize how many great experiences I can have and I still have many more options.  Although this project is over, I will continue to implement what I learned.  If there is a time when I am feeling stressed, sad, anxious or depressed, I now have a beneficial and productive coping mechanism. 

             I tossed around many ideas for my final response and presentation for this project and I was stumped.  My first thought, as a Communication student, was a final paper.  I can write and I can research, it is what I have been doing for four years.  However, when I began researching for the paper, it all seemed too technical.  This project was about me, not an American scholar who studies mental health among university students.  I wanted to share with Sharon and my class, what I learned and how it made me feel.  This could not be expressed through scholarly writing.  My next idea (again with words) was a creative writing piece, maybe a story of some kind.  But again I realized I wanted to reflect on MY experience, not a story.  Finally, after entering one of my final blog posts I realized something.  Almost all of my entries have pictures to further explain and visualize my experiences.  I realized a visual aid, paired with a final reflection blog post, would be the best compilation of the past month. With this in mind, I began working in iMovie to create a 3 minute movie (presentations were a max of 4).  This experience turned out to be one of the most difficult and time consuming (I am a perfectionist) projects I have completed.  I would estimate I spent a total of 20 hours on this final video, making sure I included the most necessary materials and figuring out the program.  However, it was one of the most rewarding projects I have ever created and all the hard work was worth it.  I have uploaded the video to YouTube and will provide the link. 

             When completing the initial research for this project, I discovered how serious mental health is for university and college students.  A survey collected by the American College Health Association (Kadison, 2000) reports 61% of college students reported feeling hopeless, 45% said they feel so depressed they could barely function and 9% felt suicidal.  This information opened my eyes to the problem and the need for a solution.  It is safe to assume all schools provide students with some form of support.  With further research, I discovered that a 2008 study completed by Yorgason et. al, proved 67% of student participants either didn’t know their school had mental health services or were not given adequate information on such services.  This information (among others) proves there is an issue that needs to be dealt with.  Looking at these numbers and looking at my classmates, it is clear that many of the people closest to me are likely struggling with similar issues.  This realization is the main reason why I chose to focus on my own mental health and attempt to find appropriate coping mechanisms for stress. 

             I gained much more from this project than I anticipated.  I hoped I would become a happier person because I discovered a method to cope with stress.  This project provided me with this coping method but I learned much more.  This project turned into a process of self-discovery.  I learned more about myself in this last month than I could have imagined.  I learned that I often do things I don’t want in order to avoid conflict.  Knowing this, it is now important for me to take time for myself so I don’t resent those around me.  The most important lesson I learned from this project is appreciation, an appreciation for life (mine and those around me).  I realized there is so much that I want to do, and so much that I CAN do.  I am so lucky to live in Canada, so lucky to have amazing parents, so lucky to have my friends, my brother, my cottage and my health.  There are many people who have nothing and to feel upset about my life is just selfish.  This project has taught me to manage my time so that I am able to take an hour (and not feel guilty) for me.  I hope to continue with these new discoveries and I hope to never lose this appreciation. 

             Above all, presenting these projects in class, i learned how truly amazing my classmates are.  Every single project had meaning and every single presentation was inspiring.  It took a great deal of courage for everyone to stand in front of fifty people in a vulnerable state.  I have so much respect for everyone in my class, it will be extremely difficult to say “see you later” at graduation (never goodbye).  Some presentations were so sincere and so emotional, it brought the whole room to tears.  In September of 2008, we began as 60 strangers, 60 children excited, nervous and anxious to begin this new chapter of our lives.  Four years later, we leave as responsible, educated adults but most of all friends.  The most incredible feeling is knowing that we will be working in the same industry and many of our lives will cross again. 

Day Twenty Nine-

I have been finding it much easier to take one hour a day.  I have learned to prioritise and manage my time more effectively.  Tonight, after finishing my last lab of the semester, I went downstairs to see what my dad was up to.  I was pleasantly surprised to see he was watching the Leafs game.  It was only a few minutes into the first period so I decided to watch the game with him.  The Leafs were playing Philly and as stressful and disappointing as it is, my dad continues to be a diehard leafs fan.  I on the other hand (although I support my home team of the Toronto Maple Leafs) my favourite team is a REAL team, the Detroit Red Wings.  This is an ongoing debate and competition between my dad and I.  We recently re-did the basement into an all new ‘man-cave’ hideout for my dad.  When we were deciding on how to decorate it, my mom gave my dad full rein.  He of course, took advantage of this and decided to Hockafy the whole thing.  From the scoreboard lights, to the autographed posters, to the fully stocked beer fridge and jerseys hanging from the walls, it is a man’s paradise.  I was able to sway him enough to get a Red Wings banner, floor mat and jersey in the décor (it’s the best I could do!). 

This is the first time I have taken advantage of the new basement and I am really glad I did.  As I sat there watching the game and discussing hockey with my dad, I realized I hadn’t spent quality time with him in a LONG time.  I would consider my dad and I to be very close but he is a quiet man.  He is a man of little words but sometimes that works just fine for me.  When I was growing up and playing hockey, my dad was always the father who would stand at the end of the rink by himself, so he wouldn’t have to listen to the roudy parents.  I remember asking him why he did that, and he said he came to watch me play, and nothing else.  He didn’t want the distraction and he didn’t want to hear the negative or positive things everyone else was saying (he wanted to form his own opinion on the game).  In some ways we are the opposite (I get those from my mom) but in others we are so much alike.  Many of my interests and hobbies are straight from my dad’s influence.  I guess it’s safe to say that all my personality traits come from my mom but my love for hockey, 4 wheeling, trucks and all things fast come from my dad.  My dad was David’s and my biggest fan when we were growing up playing hockey but he was also our biggest critic.  One game I got kicked out of a game for unsportsmanlike conduct.  I dreaded the ride home because I knew he would be extremely disappointed in me (he is all about playing safe and fair).  The entire ride home from Cobourg my dad yelled at me for that stupid move.  It is safe to say I NEVER got kicked out of a game again after that. 

Deanerr!

Tonight was nice because I look up to my dad so much.  He has worked hard his whole life as a welder and has been an amazing father.  He has the same parenting attitude as my mom, always placing our needs in front of his own.  I know my brother and I gave up a lot to play competitive hockey but my parents made the true sacrifice.  Their time, money and relationships all suffered so we could have fun and stay out of trouble.  I will be forever grateful for that sacrifice.  He doesn’t say much but I know he enjoys spending time together just as much as I do.  He has a wealth of knowledge on so many topics I learn so much from him.  He is also the most handy person I have ever encountered.  There seems to be nothing he can’t fix, built or alter.  I don’t know what my mom and I would do without him. 

P.S- The Leafs lost (suprise, suprise)!

The Man Cave!

Day Twenty Eight-

When I was five years old my parents took me to my first girls’ hockey game.  I had watched my brother play hockey before and watched NHL hockey many times (my family has always been hockey crazy) but I had never seen GIRLS hockey before.  I didn’t even know girls had their own league until my parents took me to watch my older cousin Shanna play.  After watching the game I was hooked, and begged my parents to play.  My dad was more than happy (I think it was his plan all along) to support this idea.  After the game while talking to Shanna, she told us that she had decided to coach a young girls’ team and was hoping that I would play on it.  Unfortunately, it was mid-season and I was going to have to wait till the following fall to lace up the skates.  That summer I played road hockey with my brother as much as possible in order to prepare myself.  Luckily, my parents put me in skating lessons as soon as possible so I was already able to skate.  After that first year, I was hooked and my life has never been the same since.  Just two years later, I tried out for the Oshawa rep team and made it! From that point on, my nights were consumed with practice and my weekends were full of games.   From grade 4 till today I still play competitive hockey.  I sacrificed a lot of my time and friendships for the sport, yet I wouldn’t change anything about it. 

I have been neglecting my team these last few weeks and missing practices to work or complete homework.  This morning I was going to text my coach and tell him that I am yet again, unable to go to practice.  However, right before I did, I took a moment to think.  I wanted to go, I made an obligation to go and the only reason I wasn’t going to go was because of school work.  I decided this was not a good enough reason and I was going to take my hour to go to hockey.  When I arrived I was immediately glad that I decided to go.  Shanna (who now plays on the same team as me!) and all my friends on the team were there.  It is rare that we get a time when almost everyone can make it but today we had the numbers. 

I can’t really describe the feeling I get from hockey.  It is like nothing else I have ever experienced.  It allows me to be creative; team oriented and even a little aggressive (good way to get my aggression out).  Hockey is the only thing that allows me to escape from the outside world.  Regardless of what’s happening in my life, it is forgotten about the second I step on the ice.  That’s the weird thing about the sport for me, worrying about school, stressing about my family, and conflicts between my friends are irrelevant on the ice.  They are not going to make me a better or worse player and they certainly are not going to help the outcome of the game so they don’t even cross my mind.  It is a dream of mine to one day have a backyard rink (my parent’s backyard is too small) so I have the little escape only a few steps away. 

Day Twenty Six-

             Today was a busy but exciting day.  For my hour I decided to schedule a time with my brother so I could call him.  We haven’t talked in a long time, and needed some serious catching up and talking to him proved to be exactly what we needed.  After 7 long months, he found a full time engineering job—in Alberta. Growing up my brother and I have been close. Although we have different interests and personalities we are the only two children so we only had each other. This past summer my brother moved back from Lakehead University and for the first time in four years we were living under the same roof (for more than a few weeks at a time). We became much closer and I realized he’s not the same annoying brother I knew in high school.  When the call came I was happy for him because he has worked so hard for it but I couldn’t help but feel a little selfish when I heard the job was in Alberta. Only five days after the initial call he was packing up his truck to make the 4 day drive; with no definite answer on when he would be back to visit. It been a few months now and my house is much different: it’s quiet (he played electric guitar), clean, empty and there is always food in the fridge. My life has definitely changed since his big move because I have to get use to the idea of him not coming back (like when he was away at school). On the plus side, I have a place to stay if I plan a visit to Alberta which means I am going the Calgary stampede this summer!

Typical!

             It was awesome to talk to him, since I haven’t had a real conversation with him since he moved in January.  I didn’t realized how much time has passed and he has so much to tell me.  Him and his roommates also have a new edition to their little family! A new bull dog puppy named Spud! And I got to see him on Skype as well.  One thing that I realized from our conversation is that my brother is like an old friend.  It doesn’t matter how much time has passed, we always have something to talk about.  On the other hand, it also made me realize how much I miss my brother.  When I’m caught up in my own life, it is easy to forget he no longer lives at home.  Sitting here after our conversation, I really want to hang out with him and play some Mario Cart!  I can’t promise that I am going to do this more often but I am definitely going to appreciate our conversations more. 

Cool  Story  Bro!

Day Twenty Four-

             As the semester draws to an end and the stress accumulates, it is becoming more and more difficult to find just one hour.  Today was different, I realized that what I want to do and what I have to do can be the same.  I called on my three closest friends; Nikole, Jessie and Courtney, for a girl’s night hang out.  We have been busy lately and have seen less of each other.  I was disappointed when they regretfully declined because (on a Saturday night) they had too much homework to do.  This is very unlike us, we ALWAYS do fun things on the weekend.  They are literally the most fun, entertaining and funny people I have ever met.  To say I was disappointed is an understatement, after a tough week I thought some fun was needed, until…Just 20 minutes later I got a text from Nik asking if we wanted to have a homework-girls-night instead of our usual country dancing, Corral night.  This was the perfect idea! I could spend time with my best friends and be productive at the same time! Tonight I realized, no matter what we are doing, where we are, or what is going on we always have fun.  Halfway through the night we decided we needed study snacks! So we hopped into Penelope (my trusty Saturn) and drove to Metro, where we picked up Timmies, cookies, icing and salad (yes, a random and healthy combination…NOT!). 

     Although appreciate my friends, writing this post makes me realize just how lucky I am.  Our group of four (that we like to refer to as Starfish Pound) spends A LOT of time together.  When I say a lot, I mean like, every day.  I have never had a relationship with friends like I do them.  It seems we can’t get enough of each other and yet, we never get sick of each other.  This is especially true for Nikole and I who are in the same program and have ALL the same classes.  The four of us could not be more opposite, we have extremely different personalities yet, we all seem to have a role that makes our group a perfectly functioning family.  After four years we are yet to have a serious fight.  Sure, we get annoyed, irritated and upset on the rare occasion but we don’t let it affect our relationship.  Ultimately, we appreciate and respect each other enough to work through our problems.  I would rather have a small group of really close and meaningful friends, over a large group of buddies.  At the end of high school, I lost all of my friends over a silly and immature situation.  It was devastating to loose people who I thought were real and true friends.  These girls put my old friends to shame.  They are the epitome of true, from their honesty to their respect; they are the most genuine people I have ever met. I am glad I went through the pain in high school to ultimately find my bridesmaids.  I appreciate every eventful and uneventful day I spend with them.  I dread June, when we graduate and no longer live 5 minutes from each other.  In the end, I know we will always have the same bond because the best years of my life have been spent with them.  We have grown together, and they have made me the person I am today.  If nothing else, writing these blog posts allow me to sit down and really think about and appreciate the amazing people I have in my life (and each day it seems there are more and more). 

Hard At  Work !!!

Day Twenty-One-

                The last few days have been extremely difficult to say the least.  With only three weeks left in my final year of university, one of my favourite professors was unable to finish the year with us.  This news was devastating to say the least.  Not only was she an amazing educator and mentor but also a friend.  Her two classes account for 190% of my final grades and now someone else will be evaluating them.  To top it off, I just heard back from my #1 choice for post grad education and I did not get in (though I have been waitlisted).  My school life has been pretty rough the last week but I know it will get better, thanks to my mom.  My mother is the most optimistic woman I have ever met.  She would do anything for me (and my brother) and has proved it time and time again.  She has been there for me all week, empathising with the situation and encouraging me to stay focused.  I am extremely grateful to have such a caring and considerate woman in my life.  Even when I was in high school, she was the one I called at 3am when I didn’t have a way home and in elementary school, she was the one who came on ALL the field trips.  She is the kind of parent who takes the role seriously and ALWAYS puts her family before herself.  At times, it seems as if I don’t appreciate her, and I know I don’t say thank-you enough.  Instances like this remind me just how truly lucky I am.  Although I get annoyed with her constant concern and worried text messages, it’s better than the alternative.  I know no matter what I do, or how things turn out, she will always be there.  She is the epitome of unconditional love and my best friend.  I only wish I was able to tell her more about just how happy she makes me.  It is easy to get caught up in my own life (friends, school, hockey, work) I rarely ask her how her life is, yet she is constantly worried about mine.  If nothing else, this week has taught me that I need to be just as selfless to her as she is to us.  I can’t thank her enough for EVERYTHING she has done for me throughout the years. 

The Wonderful Lady

Day Fifteen-

Roxy and Eken

                The last few days have been pretty busy and I have neglected my happiness project a little.  I was surprised to realize that I miss it.  The lack of ‘me’ time made me crave some fun and after looking outside at the beautiful weather, I knew just what would make me happy.  I needed to recruit a friend for this plan, and I knew just the one…

For as long as I can remember, dogs have been my absolute favourite animal (my baby book even says so).  There is not a dog in the world that doesn’t make me melt.  There is something about their innocence, companionship, selflessness and loyalty that is truly admirable.  Unfortunately for me, my parents do not share the same passion and growing up my brother was very allergic AND we were constantly travelling for hockey.  Ultimately, these factors contributed to my sad, dogless childhoodL.  I knew today (with the beautiful weather) would be the perfect day to do something I have never done before: the dog park.  My friend Melissa is the proud owner of two, yes TWO, Great Danes (one being just 10 weeks old!).  She is well aware of my doggy love and is constantly suggesting we go for a play date.  Well, today was the day.  When I called her she was thrilled and decided to call a few more of our dog-owner friends.  By the time we got to the park, we recruited a German Sheppard, a Boxer, a Pug and the two Danes.  I was in doggy heaven! Not only was I playing with my friend’s dogs but I was surrounded by dozens of playful dogs that seemed just as happy as me! Eventually we had to leave so Melissa could go to work, but I was on a high for the rest of the day.  I have already made plans to go again next week and dream of the day when I can bring a dog of my own. 

11 week old Paikea

 The day however did bring some sadness, remembering an old friend.  It is difficult to describe the relationship to others but I will try my best.  My family is very close because we own a cottage and live on the same block as my mom’s sister.  When I was in grade 8 my cousin got a brand new golden retriever puppy and from the moment I saw Cujo, I loved him.  We use to joke that he was my adopted dog because we spent so much time together.  When spending summers at the cottage he wouldn’t leave my side and I was constantly at my aunt’s house so I could take him for walks. 

CUJO!

He was always excited to see me and my uncle always said he knew when I was walking up the driveway.  He truly was the goofiest, clumsiest dog I have ever seen.  He once at a light bulb and decided to turn it into a bloody game as I tried to get the remaining pieces from him.   I know it sounds silly, but I considered him family and he was one of my best friends (and he wasn’t even my dog!).  This past October he suddenly passed away and I never got a chance to say goodbye.  Dogs can be the best edition to a family but it seems that because of their big hearts and insurmountable love, they can only be with us for a short time.  Being at the dog park made me sad remembering Cujo but it also made me smile because I can only imagine the mischief he would be creating with the other dogs.  I hope he is in doggy heaven causing havoc among the other dogs.  Most of all, when I get a dog of my own, I can only hope he is half as amazing and half the companion as Cujo was growing up. 

Wishing you slobbery kisses

Hanging Out at the Cottage